But lately, it seems that while I am able to keep myself (relatively) physically okay, my mental state isn't at all healthy. Corrections, the spirit was never strong. There has been so much competition and comparison in my life that I kindof feel sick of all these. But comparisons aside, it all boils down to myself. Being someone with low self esteem, it was just natural to pick up the entire burden and place it on my shoulder. Everything is my fault and not yours, because I am not good enough for you. And sometimes that those hurtful comments I receive just serves to lower my self-esteem even further. Sometimes, being too considerate of people's feelings brings about your own misery. I am not really one who would shout back at you just to vent my anger. I'll just keep it all inside, sleep it away and hope that they'll all disappear one day. They do, but they always to reappear and haunt me again.

I think it's just that phase of life or the identity crisis that everyone goes through. Who am I? Why am I here? What am I good at? Questions like these keep surfacing. And being a pessimistic person, I arrived at the conclusion that I'm simply an average girl, not exceptionally good at anything, but also not that bad at everything. My grades and looks are average. I can't cook, sew, bake. Neither can I sing, dance, cheer, stunt, run or do sports exceptionally well though I can do most of them. I'm not exactly darn quiet, neither am I super loud and hyper. It's not that I'm socially awkward, but I prefer to be alone at times. It's not that I'm reserved, but it's just that I build up an internal wall to protect myself from further disappointment. I'm not exceptionally good at anything, but I do know I want to give my all for everything and I do try my best for everything. But sometimes, doing your best just isn't good enough. In most cases, people only look at the results, and not the process. It's depressing, isn't it? But I alone am accountable for myself. Who cares what they think or say, I'll do it my way and show them I'll gain the most out of my life and make it big one day.

It's no longer about "I can do it". I'll show you "I have done it".

I do not only cry only because of 3 things - family, love, and studies. Sometimes, tears are because of frustration and anger at myself for not being strong enough, but ironically these tears are signs of weakness. It is utterly embarrassing not to be able to control them as I would very much want to, but I guess being emotional is just part of me. However, sometimes, tears are also signs of happiness, where I'm just being thankful for the people in my life who are always there to cheer me up, support me, guide me along, and love me.

I'm gonna stand strong and grow stronger. To be able to defeat others, I must first be able to deal with myself.

I'm mentally exhausted just from typing all these depressing stuff out, with plenty of eruptions on my side. It certainly took up a lot of courage to break down these walls, so I'm sincerely hoping that whoever that's reading this, don't judge.

For now, I'm just gonna chillax, stop overthinking everything and just enjoy life (: