But the intitial excitement felt on Friday eventually turned to weariness and then to... nothing.
I braced myself for their reply, waiting for that one dreaded phone call. I knew what was coming; in fact, I would be surprised if it turned out the other way. But if it had turned out the other way, I know the guilt I would feel after accepting the offer would be overwhelming. I was prepared to accept whatever they said.
But I couldn't help but feel disappointed. Safety and money were their main concerns, and I knew perfectly well that it would be financially taxing and all. I knew they felt bad to have to reject me too, so I didn't insist on going. Spent close to 2 hours trying to pick myself up after hanging up, but I guess I'm feeling less burdened now. Major bummer but I guess I could settle for a grad trip to Europe and all. *secretly planning in advance*
All these in the midst of examinations.
And yes, I still have a paper in a few hours time.
Actually what I wanted to mention in this post wasn't exactly about how I'm going to reject my SEP offer and how I'm feeling all emo and having a headache and puffy eyes now (serves me right for crying for 2 hours), but the insight I gained from this whole process, about how allocation of resources work in this society.
While looking at the financial aid website, I saw that there was a cap to the income/capita in the household in order for one to be eligible for the SEP bursary for the needy. But what about those exceeded the cap by just a little? Same goes for the lower middle income group in society. Being out of range of being called poor doesn't mean that they're doing any much better off.
I can't help but feel sore about how opportunities given to those of the lower middle income group would still be forfeited due to the lack of capital that comes together with such opportunities. Such opportunities would eventually be given back to those who can afford it. How ironical. So much for hard work. So much for meritocracy.
And at the same time, a friend with family wealth shared a thought on going overseas to complete her honours equivalent before coming back for masters. It was just a thought, but just for having a thought like this, she just further emphasized my point that more options are available for those who can afford it.
Those have such financial resources are at an advantage, and those who don't, no matter how hard they work, they are more or less stuck in this level.
In this world, only the rich can play this game.
It's either:
1. Find a rich husband, or
2. Work my ass off to get out of this poverty trap to ensure that my next generation doesn't face this same situation.
But that being said, I would really to ensure that my kids are free to live their experiences which will not be constrained by financial resources.
It won't be that easy to change my destiny, but it's worth a try.
And to even get to that try, i'll probably have to mug hard, get a degree, get a job....
And the cycle repeats itself...
Okay, this isn't really the time for me to be cynical about life.
I should really get back to studying for my 2901 and not end up ruining my life chance or something.